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embarrassed, ashamed and crying…oh my!

April 1, 2012

I debated for a few weeks to post this or not to post this. Mainly because this is the first day I’ve been able to admit it openly, and not have to just keep it inside for fear of looking weak. Weak or not, this is what I’m going through.

I feel like someone reading has to be going through the same thing, or has gone through, or will…and as much as I feel like I air too much of my dirty laundry sometimes, I don’t think this will work out in a negative light.

I recently took a postpartum depression test online, which was on the website of a support clinic in BC. I got like, 9 out of 11. (Imagine that? A test I don’t want to score high on, and I manage to rock it!) The advice was, ‘contact your doctor immediately.’ Well. I’ve always been a person to ignore things like that and throw that into the denial pile. Then I look at Jack and a big bag of guilt (like, traveller’s backpack) hits me. Guilt, guilt, guilt. Am I doing enough for him?

I don’t know what I’m doing

I don’t play with him enough

I love him, but sometimes I want to leave. Isn’t that so wrong?

I don’t read development books. Is he even doing what he’s supposed to do?

I don’t…ahh! see what I mean?

It’s all silliness. Silly. Like, for real. I was discussing this with a friend yesterday and she described it perfectly. It’s like a battle…with yourself. The crazy comes in and then common sense battles it and ahhh…never ends. (I know it’s inappropriate to use the word crazy, but let’s just remember I’m speaking about myself only, and in no way do I use the word crazy to describe PPD or any kind of depression. Crazy = me. Ok?) I feel like I watch myself from afar every day, and I’m not actually doing anything. Yet, somehow I function. I don’t know how. But I do. Autopilot?

I’m so irritated these days, especially with things I don’t have any control over. I am so embarrassed about it. I never thought I’d feel this way, but I do. I never thought I’d think of it as being weak; I certainly don’t think that about other people who have similar situations…but somehow, with myself, I feel that way. Like I’m letting myself down somehow. Ahh, see? Battle.

I want my mom. I want sunshine and the beach. I want to accomplish things and not forget things. As much as I am trying to hold it all together…the only way I can describe it is like running on a treadmill. Never advancing. Just running. This isn’t me. This isn’t who I am. Gah. Now that I’ve bared my soul to EVERYONE, I kind of feel better. And maybe, just maybe…someone somewhere out there is feeling the same way.


2 Comments leave one →
  1. Grandma in waiting permalink
    April 1, 2012 2:58 am

    My darling girl, I had terrible PPD after Lindsay was born and remembering it makes me shiver. Entire days would go by and I would accomplish zippo. Kids were fed and tended but that’s all. There is nothing to be ashamed of and I know you love Jack. In the words of Big Bert, it is what it is. It does get better, but you need to do something for yourself, particularly physical— sometimes you need to put yourself first. Call me if you need me- I will be there. love you!

  2. Janet Lazare permalink
    April 3, 2012 5:08 am

    Yikes, does that bring back memories. I felt so useless when I had Rebecca she was always spitting up and she wouldn’t sleep and I had to keep everyone happy and do all the things I did before she arrived. I can remember the cat meowing to be fed and I burst into tears because everyone wanted something from me and all I wanted was some sleep and a bath.
    I had a friend who had two older children and I would phone her in a panic for help because I had no idea what to do and no family near by to call for help. It was a long time before I figured out that it is OK not to be perfect because no one is. Take the help you need wish there had been some for me.
    You’re a great mom and have alot of common sense.

    Great Auntie J

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